First up: do not read this. Do not read this. Listen to it. Reading this is the equivalent of getting your knowledge of War and Peace from a Wishbone classics edition. Fan Fiction is an audiobook that’s transcended to the level of audio drama, with a full cast and regular sound effects — and that cast is largely dominated by Star Trek The Next Generation cast. Have you ever wanted to hear Geordie la Forge lecturing Data on how burning sage is good for dismissing evil spirits, Patrick Stewart declaring he can teach Brent Spiner the ways of karate, or Counselor Troi declare (in a rich Cockney accent) that if anyone comes after them, she’ll kick `em in the balls? Well, I never wanted to, but I got it and honestly Troi threatening to kick a stalker in the balls made my evening. So, what is Fan Fiction? It’s a partly biographical novel supposedly based on true events — but I’m sorry , I don’t quite buy there being a set of twin sisters — one an FBI agent, one a professional bodyguard — both falling for Brent Spiner after he attracts the attention of a stalker who refers to themselves as LAL.

The trouble begins when Brent Spiner-the-character receives a box at his Paramount trailer containing a severed pig penis floating in blood. It is the first of many such deliveries from “Lal”, who included letters addressing Brent Spiner as Daddy and promising that they’ll be together soon. Given that these deliveries include razor blades and bullets, the very-much shaken Spiner doesn’t think it will be a pleasant meeting. Things quickly spiral out of control, with a growing cast of strange women — another possible stalker at the VHS rental store, a neglected wife in Canada who believes Brent wants to have an affair with her — and two beautiful twins who immediately abandon any professionalism and begin flirting with Spiner. In this is intermixed memories from character-Brent’s traumatic childhood, and his strange dreams that become more surreal and frightening as he himself is being driven into paranoia by the constant threats from Lal. Lal even recruits a young child dressed as Data to deliver a letter from her at a Star Trek convention.

This is an interesting novel, easily one of the more unique I’ve read over the years. Spiner-the-author alleges that the first part of the story is completely true, detailing his arrival in New York, establishment as an actor, then moving to Los Angeles, and doubtless a lot of the world-establishing detail is true — I know from reading other memoirs that Spiner and Worf did spend the most time in the makeup trailer, arriving far earlier than everyone else, but I have no idea if LeBar Burton is the new age son of Aquarius he’s depicted here. I’m tolerably sure the Royal Shakespeare Company does not teach all of its actors martial arts. The bits about the fan(s) make interesting if increasingly confusing drama, and I wonder if the confusion owes to Spiner trying to bring in as many odd fan experiences over the year as he can. Make no mistakes, Trekkies can be an obsessive bunch: in Trekkies 2, I think, there’s a woman who had Conner Trinnear (Trip Tucker, ST ENT) tattooed all over her back. The story is frequently weird, sometimes feels like wish-fulfillment (the fact that everyone knows that Lal is Data’s daughter in “The Offspring”, which they also know was in season 2) , but it is consistently hilarious. Whether I was chuckling over hearing the TNG cast being very off-character, recoiling in cringe at some of the letters Spiner received or people he was approached by, this was a long train of muted or outright glee. It’s frequently off-color, but Trekkies in general will get a kick out of this. (But not Marina Sirtis’ kind) For those interested, this takes place during the fifth season of TNG.